I never liked waking up alone.
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Taking your own life. Interesting expression. Taking it from who? Once it’s over it’s not you who will miss it. Your own death, is something that happens to everybody else. Your life is not your own. Keep your hands off it.

-Sherlock

Dear Arleia,

I was sleeping alone (about to sleep? Basta there is sleep involved) the Sunday you chatted me that you said you were thinking about going to LB and celebrating your birthday with me. I was sleeping not only because I was sleepy but because sleeping has been the easiest and  most effortless escape to my restless mind. And yes, I had been sleeeping a lot.  But you know, in the middle of my sleep, (like when I’m na aalimpungatan something like that) a thought came to my mind that became that small ignition of light to my very dark, lifeless, and closed <fresh grad> world:

“she is loving me like how Jesus loves me.”

Despite me being the complete mess I was for the past few weeks, you’re still there. You have always been there. And even if our plans did not push thru today (because it’s Sept. 1 na, yesterday) the thought that of all the people you could have celebrated your birthday with, you choose me –a human being that is in her worst state. She has been so scattered but would still like to be with her anyway. (oh this has so many fragments don’t know how to fix them anymore) it really means a lot to me. (Is my grammar correct there were too many past present perfect whatever tenses I used I just feel like its right??? )

Then I began to feel again. I have been numb for so long that crying makes me happy because I finally felt something but sad because crying is supposed to be sad???Anyway,

Not just feel, but feel God’s love again. As I have said in my message to you before, God has used you to be that channel of light. Might have been the only light I unconsiously allowed to.

Thank you for always being my constant. A constant reflection of God’s love when I can’t (and sometimes don’t want [I’m stupid u see])to feel it.

A constant pretty human journal where I can say even the most embarassing things with the knowledge and trust that I know my humiliations are safe and.. funny???

A run to person that I trust that I am not abala to her. And I can tell my poop success stroies anytime. Hi hi

A constant person that I trust that trusts me. Trusts me with her poop stories and her irritations and small and big stories and her heart. I like that. That someone trusts me. And someone trust my love that she is never an abala because she never is. And she can always talk to me (and also calm me down) in my I-hate-all-humans-leave-me-alone-I-don’t-like-you moments.

Thank you for meing my constant cheerleader and supporter when I want to do something impulsive (but not destructive and deadly) but am just waiting (and wanting) for that onting push and you give me that push!!! (Which explains my curly hair hihi and some other impulsive decisions I don’t regret)

Thank you because I dont feel stupid when I’m talking to you even if I know I ask stupid questions

Thank you because we can talk about 10 topics all at the same time and it’s so normal and we can follow it and also being my grammar corrector and proofreader!!!

Thank you for correcting me!!! I like that. Don’t ever feel restrained to do that I welcome it!!

I’m so happy you exist!!!

You inspire me to love people like how Jesus loves me because I feel that love in you. In your constant genuine acts of service everytime– in your small and big acts. I will do that also to people!!!

So my point is, HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUU!!!! You are one of the rare people that makes me want to be honest :3 I know people in your sphere of influence are so blessed, they get to experience a slice of heaven!!!

I thank God for you everytime!!! I pray that God will bless you with wisdom!!! And also rest :3 and that you be surrounded with people that loves God that inturn loves you genuinely and corrects you lovingly. And that you’ll have a more intimate relationship with Him. Lacking in nothing. :3 NIBAYUUUU!!! ❤

Here is a very enlightening picture of you care of Allan

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Today I learned how to love myself

I was just writing on my planner. Nag linis ako ng baul ko ng art materials ngayong araw. Kasabay rin n’on yung pagsusulat ko (nanaman) ng “life rules” ko na madalas ay hindi ko naman natutupad. Na lagi ay mafufrustrate nalang ako kasi bakit ba napaka inconsistent at unorganized kong tao. Lagi nalang, lagi nalang. (At iba pang bakit-ba-kasi-hindi-ako-gan’to things) Then a thought just came to my mind,

Maybe I just first have to accept that I’m really not a naturally consistent and organized person. It’s just how God made me.

This is not an excuse to just go and destroy my life kasi “magulo lang talaga ‘kong tao”, pero maybe I just have to  stop forcing myself to be that organized, picture perfect human being and start appreciating who I am and who am I not, together with my quirks, my mess, and my inconsistencies.

Maybe after I know and accept how God wired me to be will I only be able to love and take care of myself by means of discipline.

Maybe discipline starts from loving youself.

Maybe I need to be amazed with myself first.  Besides, I am a mystery that is so exciting to discover. Before anyone else have the joy of decoding my wonder, maybe I should first be the one to see and discover and embrace how mysteriously and wonderfully made I am. Only then can I truly value this treasure God has given me.

Live at peace with yourself, self. Relationships are not only with God and with other people. I guess you also have to have a loving relationship with yourself. And just like any other relationship, closeness is not automatic.

‘Di naman porke lagi kayong magkasama ng sarili mo eh close na kayo. Pwede mong araw-araw kasama ang isang tao pero hindi mo s’ya kilala.

You’d have to be intentional in knowing the other person (yourself). You’d have to observe her, be patient with her, be happy with her, remember the things that never fail to bring a smile on her face, remember the things that drain her– respect that, and keep her away from those. Forgive her. Appreciate the mess she is that only she can make and be. Love that. Then love yourself enough to want to gently change yourself the way God wired you to undergo change. Only then can you be truly contented and happy with who you are and how God uniquely crafted you.

Your Heavenly Father filled you with wonder and mystery you yourself would even enjoy exploring.  Oh how creative His expression of love is ❤ very experiential :3 Maybe it’s His way of making you see through His eyes. Just like how you are so amazed and fond of that boy, or that sunset, or that nightsky, God is more amazed and fond of you.

Love yourself.

Only then can you also genuinely see how wonderful God is with how He created others 🙂 and learn to accept and appreciate and love those around you together with their imperfections.

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Minsan nalulungkot nalang ako pag ngumingiti ako sa isang taong hindi ko kakilala tapos hindi s’ya ngumingiti pabalik, hindi dahil hindi n’ya ko nginitian, pero dahil nababasa ko sa mukha n’ya na hindi na s’ya sanay na may taong ngumingiti sa kapwa tao– na kakaiba ‘yon. Alam ko namang hindi talaga lahat ay sanay ngumiti o palakaibigan. Pwede ring badtrip lang talaga s’ya sa araw na ‘yon. Pero ang nakakadurog ng puso ay yung kita ko sa mga mata n’ya na hindi n’ya alam kung anong gagawin kasi walang ibang tao sa buhay n’ya na ngumiti sakanya.