Today I learned how to love myself

I was just writing on my planner. Nag linis ako ng baul ko ng art materials ngayong araw. Kasabay rin n’on yung pagsusulat ko (nanaman) ng “life rules” ko na madalas ay hindi ko naman natutupad. Na lagi ay mafufrustrate nalang ako kasi bakit ba napaka inconsistent at unorganized kong tao. Lagi nalang, lagi nalang. (At iba pang bakit-ba-kasi-hindi-ako-gan’to things) Then a thought just came to my mind,

Maybe I just first have to accept that I’m really not a naturally consistent and organized person. It’s just how God made me.

This is not an excuse to just go and destroy my life kasi “magulo lang talaga ‘kong tao”, pero maybe I just have to  stop forcing myself to be that organized, picture perfect human being and start appreciating who I am and who am I not, together with my quirks, my mess, and my inconsistencies.

Maybe after I know and accept how God wired me to be will I only be able to love and take care of myself by means of discipline.

Maybe discipline starts from loving youself.

Maybe I need to be amazed with myself first.  Besides, I am a mystery that is so exciting to discover. Before anyone else have the joy of decoding my wonder, maybe I should first be the one to see and discover and embrace how mysteriously and wonderfully made I am. Only then can I truly value this treasure God has given me.

Live at peace with yourself, self. Relationships are not only with God and with other people. I guess you also have to have a loving relationship with yourself. And just like any other relationship, closeness is not automatic.

‘Di naman porke lagi kayong magkasama ng sarili mo eh close na kayo. Pwede mong araw-araw kasama ang isang tao pero hindi mo s’ya kilala.

You’d have to be intentional in knowing the other person (yourself). You’d have to observe her, be patient with her, be happy with her, remember the things that never fail to bring a smile on her face, remember the things that drain her– respect that, and keep her away from those. Forgive her. Appreciate the mess she is that only she can make and be. Love that. Then love yourself enough to want to gently change yourself the way God wired you to undergo change. Only then can you be truly contented and happy with who you are and how God uniquely crafted you.

Your Heavenly Father filled you with wonder and mystery you yourself would even enjoy exploring.  Oh how creative His expression of love is ❤ very experiential :3 Maybe it’s His way of making you see through His eyes. Just like how you are so amazed and fond of that boy, or that sunset, or that nightsky, God is more amazed and fond of you.

Love yourself.

Only then can you also genuinely see how wonderful God is with how He created others 🙂 and learn to accept and appreciate and love those around you together with their imperfections.

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Minsan nalulungkot nalang ako pag ngumingiti ako sa isang taong hindi ko kakilala tapos hindi s’ya ngumingiti pabalik, hindi dahil hindi n’ya ko nginitian, pero dahil nababasa ko sa mukha n’ya na hindi na s’ya sanay na may taong ngumingiti sa kapwa tao– na kakaiba ‘yon. Alam ko namang hindi talaga lahat ay sanay ngumiti o palakaibigan. Pwede ring badtrip lang talaga s’ya sa araw na ‘yon. Pero ang nakakadurog ng puso ay yung kita ko sa mga mata n’ya na hindi n’ya alam kung anong gagawin kasi walang ibang tao sa buhay n’ya na ngumiti sakanya.

As his eyes opened from his light sleep, I welcomed his gaze with a bright smile. My mother and I drove five hours for this moment; that finally, after months of waking up alone, he has someone waiting for him. I watched as his half-opened eyes bloom into light and a curve began to form on his lips, the most uplifting line no man can ever force to existence, for this gem is only earned through time– the smile of my grandfather. 

To you who eats anything and sleeps late

Food and health has not been so much of a focus when it comes to the Lordship of Jesus. Woah there. “Food and heath” nasa isang sentence kasama ng “Lordship.” Parang, what?Medyo ka aura pag ginamit mo sa isang sentence yung “Twilight” at “Shakespeare”. Ang labo. An’layo.

“Serious” issues that are “deemed worthy” of a person consulting with his/her leader, is “deserving” of surrender when rebuked/pointed out, or even deserving of correction alone, usually only include (but are not limited to) issues on identity, security, acceptance, love, love life, family, direction, calling, forgiveness, lust, pride, greed, etc. mga ganyang labanan. But health is, more often than not, left out, or is not even considered to be on the list.

Pag sinasabi yung different areas of life, laging relationships, finances, time, academics, work, ministry or basta mga katunugan lang n’yan. Labas yung pagkain. Pagkain ‘yun e. Grabe naman. Labas na yung tulog. Labas na yung pag eexercise.

Pero kung, “confessing Jesus is Lord implies a submission to His Lordship in every area of life”, anong kasama ‘dun?

Pag sinabing do not touch that, anong gagawin mo?

Do not touch that.

Pag sinabing let go?

Let go.

Pag sinabing every area?

***

I understand that we have certain tasks na kailangang tapusin kaya nag pupuyat tayo, o hindi na nakakakain, or napipilitang kumain ng kung ano man.

Hindi ko rin sinabing wag ka na ulit magpupuyat, kakain sa Jollibee, papapak ng condensed milk, kakain ng Piatos, maglalagay ng kahit na anong processed/ artificial/ preserved/may food coloring, prinito, may sugar, may additives etc. sa katawan mo.

Sadyang masarap naman talaga kasi. Besides, God has given us tastebuds to enjoy eating. ‘Di ba napaka lupet na hindi lang lump of flesh ang dila na walang nalalasahan? Pwede namang wala nalang tastebuds, makakalunok parin naman tayo. Pero kaya meron yan kasi gusto rin ni God na pati pag kain, naeenjoy natin. He has given us eyes and minds capable of seeing and appreciating beauty to appreciate beauty. Okay lang naman iadmire si Oppa. Okay lang na kumain ng  sisig. God loves to see His sons and daughters enjoy the gifts He has given.

Pero hindi para abusuhin.

It’s more than just food, pwede ba ‘to o hindi, sleeping habits, and exercise. It’s more of a question of, are you being a good steward of what God has given you? Are you honoring Him with the way you handle your body?

‘Di ba pag mahal mo, iingatan mo yung mga binibigay n’ya?

Kasi kung ako, ako lang naman ha. Pag mag bibigay ako ng regalo sa anak ko, matutuwa ako kung iingatan n’ya. Matutuwa ako kung gagamitin n’ya sa paraang dinesign ko. Yung mga siko, tuhod, balikat, may joints yan para gumalaw galaw. May mga hormones hormones pa na nakakatanggal stress para bonus. Ganun ko kasi s’ya ka mahal.

Pero okay lang wag mong ingatan yung katawan mo. Okay lang naman eh. Unless gusto mong mag settle. Unless you want to break the heart of God.

Grabe naman, break the heart of God agad?

Um, oo? Hindi ba nakakabreak ng heart idesign lahat ng cells sa katawan, mga buto-buto, mga micro hulabalu tapos hindi s’ya iingatan? Imagine something na sobrang pinag-isipan at pinag planuhan mo. Thesis man ‘yan, final paper, project na malupet, painting, kanta, basta binuhusan mo ng puso at isip para sakanya.

Bawat dangling modifier inayos mo.

Bawat screw pinihit mo ng tama.

Bawat tuldok, precise.

Pero pagkabigay mo (sa taong mahal na mahal mo [ilagay natin sa God level] to the point na binigay mo yung kaisa-isa mong Anak para sakanya, take note hindi mo naman s’ya kailangan to exist), hindi n’ya iningatan for some reason, whether because it is just not taken seriously, it was forced, or done with the intention of serving others atbp.

‘Di ba nakakalungkot? ‘Di ba medyo masakit? ‘Di ba nakakabastos?

“Onti lang naman.”

“Eh deadline na mamaya, ‘Di ko pa tapos.”

“Nag didisciple pa ‘ko.”

***

But of course, this is a continuous walk. Sana may struggle. And I am no way perfect in this area. Masarap naman talaga kasi? Medyo pareho lang na masaya kasi pag kasama ko s’ya. ‘yoooon. Same same.

It takes a decision, friend.  Besides, hindi lang naman ikaw yung magbebenefit e, pati ibang tao. If you really want to be used by God, take care of the body He has given you, pwede ka parin naman N’ya magamit kahit bed-ridden ka na syempre, pero ‘di ba mas madali at mas marami kang marereach kung hindi?

Besides, masayang tumanda na hindi ka lang taga bantay ng bag. Na kakawentuhan mo parin ung mga apo mo, ikwekwento mo kung pano ka na reach out, pano mo nakilala si “Darleng my love so sweet” na lolo/lola na nila, macocorrect mo yung grammar kung mali, mapapatay mo parin yung lamok na umaaligid sakanila.

Maaalagaan mo parin s’ya.

Or pwede rin namang masagasaan ka na mamaya. Or malaglagan ka ng aspile sa siko tapos mainffect tapos namatay ka na. ‘Di natin sure. Pwede naman.

Pero still, bottom line, are you honoring God?